The power of saying ‘I don’t know’ as a leader
I’ve been in a volunteer leadership role at Samaritans for the past three years, leading a team of 20 mentors as their Mentoring Deputy Director. It has been a real joy!
Recently, I’ve been nominated to be the next Director of my local branch of around 100+ volunteers. The role means being accountable for all the branch operations that enable us all to continue supporting UK callers in emotional distress. It seems opportune to reflect on one of the most valuable insights I picked up, as a leader, so far.
Your strengths, weaknesses and fears lead with you
When I took on the role, three years ago, I remember feeling frightened that I was too young to do it justice. I later learned this was a self-limiting belief of mine more than anything else.That feeling was exacerbated by the fact that my team, at the time, was composed of people with more mentoring experience at Samaritans and much older than me, some in their late 50s—I had been in my mid 20s.
I’ve already captured my early experience of leadership, I won’t go into the early stages a great deal. What’s important here is that I became aware of my own insecurities. Knowing I’ve always been a terrible liar, I didn’t pressure myself to hide that from my team.
It’s normal to feel like you should have most of the answers
Though I believe leadership is a behaviour that starts long before an official title is held, I’m going to focus on instances in which an individual is in some official capacity in a leadership role. Which means leadership is expected of them.
A title sets the tone, it also carries a certain set of pre-conditioned expectations. Initially, I remember scrambling to learn as much as I could so as to not appear an imposter when asked about something important I didn’t know the answer to—that quickly grew unsustainable. I don’t think it’s possible to foresee all the future things you should know the answers to.
Seeming to have the answers when you don’t can greatly erode trust
Like many, I can recall moments I was given an answer by a leader that ended up not being quite right or didn’t depict the full truth; it can be quite disappointing and it can erode trust. Yet, many of us still feel pressured to hold more information than we’re actually capable of. With the bulk of the pressure sometimes coming from ourselves.
Knowing what you’re doing and having experience matters, in some professions it can mean being able to save a life. At Samaritans knowledge also matters a great deal. If you receive a call from a child who is being abused, that’s a serious safeguarding issue that needs to be handled with great care.
The fact remains that any leader, no matter how knowledgeable will have limited storage and recall, they hold the same human brain as you and I.
Accepting your limits is usually the beginning of something beautiful
Saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” can be really difficult, particularly when there are people depending on you. Oftentimes it can feel like it’s not good enough. You may even find a voice in your head saying you shouldn’t have taken the role if you didn’t know.
Sometimes it is very important to know the answer, be mindful of the crucial areas you should remain knowledgeable about.
Beyond those exceptions, I’ve learned to perceive “I don’t know” as the beginning of what is usually a beautiful interaction. In few words, you’re saying a multitude of things, to name a few:
- “I’m human, I can forget and make mistakes sometimes too”
- “I’ve learned a great deal of things, but not this one, yet”
- “You and I are at the same level on this one, I am no wiser than you here”
There is space to build great relationships at the boundaries of your knowledge
I’ve grown to perceive “I don’t know” as an invitation from you to whoever is seeking answers to collaborate on finding the answers, together. Effectively framing the boundaries of your knowledge as an opportunity for collaboration can take time to get right. Some folks will still find it a little frustrating, but doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know.
What happens after you say you don’t know is the most important bit. From this point it’s now really crucial that you think of all of the ways in which you can either:
- Empower your direct report to find the answers for themselves
- Share your process and thinking as a leader, along with finding the answers yourself
- Dividing and conquering on tackling different parts of the answers, together
Sincerity is part of how you find meaningful solutions and build trust
Choosing any of the many great paths that are presented to you when you say you don’t know can lead to great opportunities to develop yourself and your team.
Once I felt so guilty for not knowing that I apologised, my direct report immediately stepped in with a great deal of empathy and reassurance—that person is now part of my leadership team.
Ultimately, accepting your limits means you’re being kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean you stop learning or give up. More often than not, it means embracing your humanity—as well as giving others an opportunity to teach you something too!
